I cannot express what a day it was today. Words would not do justice to the sort of roller coaster ride one day has shown me. It has taught me new things about people around me, people I know, people I claim to know, people who know me, and likewise people who claim to know me. Many times, we just get so fond of someone, that we mistake that simple innocent fondness to something more complex, to something more important. This then leads us to expectations. Unwarranted expectations.
I have done the same to few. I have people around me who have done it to me. They have claimed to know me, to love me, and to accept me. But why? For what? Did I ask them to? Did I expect them to? Well, may be because I must have done the same to someone. Declared my feelings for someone, when I myself was not sure of what that feeling meant. This then leads to complications. It leads to compromises. It leads to expectations, and leads to a negative anticipation for something that never was, for something that never will be.
I am blamed for not taking criticism in the right way. I am blamed for not accepting my friends the way they are. It makes me think, is non acceptance really a part of me? It may be. I wont deny. I wont try to convince myself something that is not. But then is it only me? In my view there is non acceptance everywhere. It is the base, the foundation on which every human relationship is based. It is because of the certain level of non acceptance in human tendency, that we actually live peacefully, be tolerant towards others. It does not mean to resist, or desist. Not always. Non acceptance can actually bring about a change, a transformation in you for the better. That is only if you accept that non acceptance can do so.
Every human feeling has a positive and negative side to it. How you put that feeling to use, is what you are made up of. Today I have learnt to take the non acceptance towards me in a positive way. I look at it as an opportunity- to change, or to bring about a change, either in myself or in you. I have also learnt that I should not let my fondness get mixed up with other feelings. Let it be where it ought to. For the more higher feelings to creep in, it will take time. I respect this fact, hoping that others respect it too.
This is not an essay of cynicism. No it isnt. That is if you take it to be so. It is one for me to understand that certain things are just best to be left where they are. The more you try to strengthen your grip, the more it will trip. Do not try to push yourself too hard, to the limit that you finally have left with no place to go. Leave yourself some margin, cushion, some space to breathe and relax!
Coming back to where I began. My day, I think now would be best defined as a perfect blend of the past and present, resulting, I am sure to a better future. Some over expectations from the past just seemed to have collapsed right in front of my eyes. Someone I had loved (not just claimed), leading to over expectations. Damn I should have seen it coming. But I didnt, and now am blamed for the blasphemy of non acceptance. But for me, as mentioned before it is a positive sign for tolerance and transformation. I see someone right in the same situation in my present. Should I alert that person? I guess not. Experience is the best teacher they say. My concern will be refuted by non acceptance. Which I am sure will lead for a total transformation, may be painful, but sure for the better. And I hope that experience is as enriching as mine. I am sure it will be. Yet I will wait and see!